disappearance

Have you ever come across or thought about someone who just disappeared from your life?

They weren’t necessarily important people in your life… Like maybe someone you used to go to church with. You never talked to them, but you just got used to seeing them around. Then one day, they simply vanished. Maybe it wasn’t all at once; it could have been a gradual process. But then again, you were never close with them or really talked with them that much. You just happen to notice one day that you don’t see that person or you look back and you don’t remember the last time you saw them.

I guess with the advent of stalker technology such as Facebook or Twitter, practically anyone is searchable…assuming they aren’t reclusive individuals who live in caves on mountaintops or something like that. You don’t even have to purposely look up the whole catalog of “missing” people you have stored in the back of your mind. You could be looking in an old photo album and see someone tagged to an old group picture or something. “Oh, I haven’t see this person in ages” you say. Then you just proceed to click on their name which links to their profile. Then by taking a quick glance through their page, you can kind of get a sense of what they’re doing with their lives now. Maybe they went off to college. Maybe they got married. Maybe they live on the other side of the continent now. Who knows if you’ll even see them again?

But what about the people that you don’t find? Maybe they don’t want to be found… Maybe they removed themselves from somewhere because it was a part of them they wished to leave behind…before starting something new. I can identify with that to some degree. I mean, there is a reason why I meant to leave for good when I left for college. There is a reason why I went to the other side of the continent. Make no mistake, my past made me who I am today. But I am now hoping to start a completely new chapter away from all that. A new chapter of my life that involves even a different outlook on life.

So yes, reclusive being upon the mountaintop, I do understand why you left your city, your people for the quiet of your cave. Although I myself may never go to such extremes, we both have the same heart. It makes me wonder, would anyone ever remember me as that guy from my church who I never really talked to or got to know — where is he now?

Human relations is a funny thing. Somehow we get around knowing just about anyone through someone else. It’s kind of scary in a way that you are always being watched by someone you know or someone who knows another person you know. But then again, that’s the fun part of interaction too. Finding out about the various ways this world has twisted around relationships; sometimes it is on the level of divine irony. And you know what, it probably is; who says our Creator has no sense of humor? In actuality, He probably has the best jokes out of everyone. After all, He created everything.

In a way, we can never vanish exactly the way we want to. There’s always a trace because we leave our tracks on others’ hearts and minds. And they don’t quite disappear so easily.

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\flow~

I should be studying for tomorrow’s chemistry exam tomorrow…but I’m in a writing mood haha

~/

So in my cognitive psychology class, we learned about this thing called flow. It’s supposed to be this series of actions that we kinda don’t have control over….it just happens on its own. But it’s supposed to be good for us and works as a stress-reliever I guess.

I still remember experiencing this kind of flow when I used to play the violin. On some days, the notes just flew out of my hand like my hand had a mind of its own. It was…mechanical precision with fluid grace. I think my life was a lot happier when I had access to this flow, but now my violin is in its case, resting against a wall 2500 miles away from me 😦

Ever since I came to Emory, I’ve been desperately searching for another kind of “flow” in my life ever cause I couldn’t bring my music with me. But that search hasn’t been going too well…

Any kind of cathartic relief would be really appreciated. Some people have suggested me trying a whole slew of activities, but to be honest I haven’t tried because I don’t think I’ll be interested in those things. I guess it’s only me being stubborn again, but I just want some sort of familiarity, I guess?

I’m just trudging onward. Always starting the day, waiting for the end. Taking what little respite I can… and repeat.

Maybe it’s my weak [or lack of] spiritual commitment that’s throwing me off. I’ve been all over the place lately with nowhere to ground myself to. I’ll be happy one moment, then sad the next. Annoyed with everyone and wanting to seclude myself, only to feel lonely soon after. I just want to eat, sleep, and stay in bed for a day or two haha

I feel like life would be so much easier on me if I had something to hold onto, be it God, music, friends, or whatever….

I’m still looking for my flow\~

umbrella☂

I love this song. Epik High is one of my favorites of kpop, especially cause of songs like this. And today’s the perfect day to turn this song on.

So I started off my day all disoriented and sleepy..barely got out of bed. Dressing myself turned out to be a problem. Yes, as concerning as that sounds, I’m seriously not joking. It was a wonder that I got everything on the right way. Unfortunately, my feet would say otherwise cause I decided to wear slippers today for some reason. As soon as I walked out my dorm, I realized it was pouring outside, and I didn’t really have time to go back and change (not that I would’ve done so anyways cause of my laziness).

Yeah, I’m making a fashion statement here. My mismatched socks and open-toe slippers are just so awesome like that haha.

…I decided to change into shoes later.

When I first came to Atlanta, I always thought it was so amusing at how people here whipped out their umbrellas as soon as a drop of rain hit the ground. It was just so odd to see so many umbrellas come out since Washingtonians normally don’t bother with it. So there I was, one of the only guys out in the rain without an umbrella, smirking to myself. I guess in a way, I refused to carry around an umbrella because of my silly Washington pride. But for the record, it doesn’t always rain in Washington like so many people here assume. Shoot, even I’m slowly beginning to buy into that stereotype after being here for half a year haha. Atlanta is slowly changing me… I can’t go out in the rain without an umbrella anymore haha.

I imagine that from up high, when the rain waters the earth, umbrella flowers sprout up 🙂

When I’m walking outside in the rain, I can’t help but notice all the different kinds of umbrellas people use. Small ones, big ones. Red ones, blue ones. Ones with patterns, ones with polka dots. People without umbrellas, people sharing umbrellas. Dying out in buildings and coming back to life once outside. All headed different ways, unified only by the rain we live under.

It’s an inconvenience sometimes… But I enjoy the rain 🙂

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Just chill out…

I get annoyed by people who take life too seriously.

Sure, it’s important to take life seriously when you need to, but I’m talking about the people who are constantly so uptight and whatnot… There are a fair amount of people who sometimes make me want to go and tell them to just chill out! Who cares about impressing others or trying so hard to live a certain kind of life?

We only get one life. We should try to make the most out of it.

But then again, I guess everyone has their own way of making the most out of their lives? I mean, if you really like being that presumptuous douchebag in class, by all means be it. Just don’t do it in the same class as me cause then I’ll just have to slap you :p What I really mean though is that we should seriously consider our pathways in life…but have a little fun along the way. If you really don’t like what you’re doing, is it really worth it?

Someone told me this recently: “We’re only human. If we work like machines, we’ll only end up breaking like all machines eventually do.”

But I wonder if I’m being too lax lately. Life is passing me by, and I feel like I’m taking one too many breaks. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been so much more…complacent? apathetic? jaded? I’ve started to care less about pretty much everything. I can only hope that it doesn’t come out to haunt me in the end.

For now though, I wish that I can post a sign like this on my door:

“Homework”

So here’s something I haven’t done in awhile…

I’m actually really excited to have started a new blogging page because writing things out seems to really help me understand myself better, let out a lot of pent-up emotions, and just muse about random things that inspire me throughout my life.

Someone I love dearly also assigned me “homework” to write and reflect (you know who you are). Well now that I have this, it’ll motivate me to do more haha.

That’s all for now…gotta go make my wordpress all cute now :p